25 signatures reached
To: Conservative Party
Liz Kendall to be allowed to join the Conservative Party
We want to see Liz Kendall's outstanding application to join Conservative Party be accepted.
Liz belongs with us, and we want her to come home to the blue.
Liz belongs with us, and we want her to come home to the blue.
Why is this important?
Everyone deserves a second chance, and this could be Liz's.
She has been a marvellous double-agent, honing her skills under Tony Blair, and its time for her service to be rewarded. Let's bring Liz home!
The History:
We were sorry to hear about her experiences with the party during her time in Cambridge. Back then Conservative Party student groups had barriers to entry and Liz couldn't meet some of those conditions. Her family hadn't given her a large enough trust fund, none of her ancestors had married a cousin and she wasn't meeting the RDA for cocaine to allow her to enter the Cambridge University Conservative Association.
After the rejection Liz sought power in the only way she knew how, she joined the Labour Party - a shelter for people who want control and influence but can't afford the membership fees of the Conservative Party. After her graduation the Labour Party did its best to indoctrinate her with liberal socialism, but Liz stayed strong in her conservative values. Despite being special advisor to various Labour big-wigs she still held a flame for the Blue - and was often seen sniffing the coats of Conservative MPs and would occasionally be found sobbing outside Tory Member's offices when she was refused entry for a policy briefing.
In 2001 Liz was encouraged to stand for the parliamentary seat of Chesterfield. Liz failed. Although she had prepared a superb speech, she had forgotten that she was standing in the Labour hustings, not the Conservative one, and her passionate defence of Jimmy Saville, Pinochet, inherited wealth and structural racism didn't please the crowd... although one balding chap at the back was heard commenting wistfully that she, "...remind(ed him) of Saint Thatcher."
After reading about the failure, Tony Blair invited Liz for tea at one of his substantial properties in Bayswater. There they discussed her future as a secret agent. Tony was eventually planning to take up an overseas posting, working under the guidance of Chris Patten, but he needed to bring in extra agents to ensure Labour didn't swing back to the left once he departed. Liz was forced to return to the political centre-ground of a Blairite government and assist with rightward hobbles, but she knew that no matter how far right the party shifted under Blair it would never end up where she wanted it to be.
In 2010 Liz managed to hide her Conservative credentials and sneakily became the Labour MP for Leicester West. In her maiden speech she talked about the problems caused by child poverty, namely - more poor children begging on the streets and getting in the way when she takes her dog for a walk.
Every year Liz would send off her application pack to CCHQ, but nothing came back... but she never wavered. Tony had given her a mission, and she was going to do her utmost to ensure that the Labour Party tacked rightwards... maybe through a merger she might finally get to wear a blue rosette.
In 2015, after successfully sabotaging the general election by convincing Ed Miliband to carve his promises into stone, Liz began her most dangerous mission - to try to capture the reigns of inferior power. In her attempts to gain the leadership of the party Liz has demonstrated all of her skills and talents aptly and we, the undersigned, think she deserves to be brought home to a hero's welcome.
Liz has done a sterling job ensuring that Labour remain unelectable, and it's time to bring her back into the fold and give a position in cabinet.
She has been a marvellous double-agent, honing her skills under Tony Blair, and its time for her service to be rewarded. Let's bring Liz home!
The History:
We were sorry to hear about her experiences with the party during her time in Cambridge. Back then Conservative Party student groups had barriers to entry and Liz couldn't meet some of those conditions. Her family hadn't given her a large enough trust fund, none of her ancestors had married a cousin and she wasn't meeting the RDA for cocaine to allow her to enter the Cambridge University Conservative Association.
After the rejection Liz sought power in the only way she knew how, she joined the Labour Party - a shelter for people who want control and influence but can't afford the membership fees of the Conservative Party. After her graduation the Labour Party did its best to indoctrinate her with liberal socialism, but Liz stayed strong in her conservative values. Despite being special advisor to various Labour big-wigs she still held a flame for the Blue - and was often seen sniffing the coats of Conservative MPs and would occasionally be found sobbing outside Tory Member's offices when she was refused entry for a policy briefing.
In 2001 Liz was encouraged to stand for the parliamentary seat of Chesterfield. Liz failed. Although she had prepared a superb speech, she had forgotten that she was standing in the Labour hustings, not the Conservative one, and her passionate defence of Jimmy Saville, Pinochet, inherited wealth and structural racism didn't please the crowd... although one balding chap at the back was heard commenting wistfully that she, "...remind(ed him) of Saint Thatcher."
After reading about the failure, Tony Blair invited Liz for tea at one of his substantial properties in Bayswater. There they discussed her future as a secret agent. Tony was eventually planning to take up an overseas posting, working under the guidance of Chris Patten, but he needed to bring in extra agents to ensure Labour didn't swing back to the left once he departed. Liz was forced to return to the political centre-ground of a Blairite government and assist with rightward hobbles, but she knew that no matter how far right the party shifted under Blair it would never end up where she wanted it to be.
In 2010 Liz managed to hide her Conservative credentials and sneakily became the Labour MP for Leicester West. In her maiden speech she talked about the problems caused by child poverty, namely - more poor children begging on the streets and getting in the way when she takes her dog for a walk.
Every year Liz would send off her application pack to CCHQ, but nothing came back... but she never wavered. Tony had given her a mission, and she was going to do her utmost to ensure that the Labour Party tacked rightwards... maybe through a merger she might finally get to wear a blue rosette.
In 2015, after successfully sabotaging the general election by convincing Ed Miliband to carve his promises into stone, Liz began her most dangerous mission - to try to capture the reigns of inferior power. In her attempts to gain the leadership of the party Liz has demonstrated all of her skills and talents aptly and we, the undersigned, think she deserves to be brought home to a hero's welcome.
Liz has done a sterling job ensuring that Labour remain unelectable, and it's time to bring her back into the fold and give a position in cabinet.
How it will be delivered
We'll probably sneak into a university library, force the chair of the local Conservative Student Group to hand over a printing credit slip, and print the whole petition. Then, we'll wait for the 2nd student fees protest and deliver in by hand, in person, to Conservative Party Headquarters... wrapped around a brick. #MillbankEverything
Press not-welcome, but no doubt it'll be live-streamed.
